Dan Walton


South Park Epilogue

By fonzleclay, Mar 26 2014 01:37PM

If you've read the book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (or seen the film) then you'll know that the last chapter is an epilogue, set 19 years after the battle of Hogwarts. As most of the main characters of the Harry Potter series are children, the epilogue gives us a chance to see our heroes as adults and it's something which I, personally, really love. I get a great sense of closure knowing that my favourite characters grow up to lead happy lives, and I can't think of a better way to end the series.

One of my favourite TV shows is South Park, another series where most of the main characters are children. That kinda gets me thinking that maybe, when South Park ends (which it inevitably will), Trey and Matt should do something similar. Just think how cool it would be if the very last episode of South Park was set 19 years in the future. And seeing as though satire is what Parker and Stone do best, the last scene could be a parody of the Harry Potter epilogue, which would just be so perfect!

Now, being someone who is very into fanfiction (yeah, really), when I first thought of this my brain immediatley started forumalting a theory as to what this epilogue would look like. Which is exactly what I am about to share with you.

Please bare in mind that this is only speculation. Feel free to tell me if you disagree with any of this. The theory focusses primarily on the key characters; Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny and Butters. So to start, please see the attached image at the bottom of this post, which is a picture that I did (which is actually pretty good considering I'm shite at drawing) showing what I think the boys will look like in 19 years (just fyi, the reason Cartman's head is smaller than the others' is because I had to use a different template because Cartman's fat and therefore he has a different shaped head).

The first character I'm going to talk about is Stan Marsh:

Stan's dad Randy is a fan favourite, and as the years have gone by the writers have started making Stan more and more like his Dad. So I think it would be safe to say that Stan's adult life is very much like Randy's. Stan and Wendy are married, but they are not exactly happy. They definitely love each other, but Wendy has to learn to tolerate Stan's outragious behaviour. This is very much like Randy and Sharon's marriage, there was definite love there, but it did come with its problems.

Stan and Wendy have got two sons, Anthony and Raymond, although at times it can feel like they have five kids, as Stan has to babysit his nieces and nephew almost every weekend. Stan's sister Shelly has a set of twin girls named Shaniqua and Tequila and a younger son named Turd (as we all know, Shelly doesn't have a particularly high opinion of boys and often called her brother and his friends 'turds', and because this is South Park after all, it's just ridiculous enough to work). Shelly likes to party a lot, which is why Stan so often ends up with the kids, much to Wendy's dislike.

While Shelly doesn't care much for boys, she has no problem whatsoever sleeping with them, but she's not interested in a commited relationship, so she is a single mother. At some point she was in a sexual relationship with Eric Cartman (who we'll get to later), and Turd is actually his child.

Randy Marsh was known for being very passionate about the things he cared about (Cooking, Tween Pop, The Internet etc.), and Stan has inherited that trait from his father, but he uses it to his advantage. Stan works in social media as a professional blogger. People find his blogs hilarious, but he is completely oblivious as to why. He believes in his heart that people take him seriously, however this is not the case. But regardless, the blogs are a success and he is able to make a living from it.

Now onto Eric Cartman:

For the longest time, Cartman's life sucked. He had a really hard time finding and keeping a job, he mostly never got past the interview phase and the couple of jobs he did get he got fired from. Why? Well, because he's Cartman and he's obnoxious and big-headed. And because he had no job, he had to rely on his mum sending him a cheque every month to cover his rent, child support and fund his alcoholism. Unfortunately his mum died of a Heroin over-dose when he was twenty-four, leaving Cartman with what little money she had. After that money dried up, Cartman had no one. No one was willing to help him, so the only option he had was to help himself. Not by becoming a better man, of course, but by doing what Cartman does best; manipulating.

And who does he manipulate? The person he hates more than anyone else, Kyle Broflovski:

Kyle's life was pretty great to begin with. He decided to follow in his father's footsteps and become a lawyer. During his first year of College (he studied at Colorado State) he became involved with his roommate Abby. She was from North Carolina, which made their relationship difficult after they graduated, but they made it work for a couple of years. They would visit each other three or four times a year, but ultimately the distance became too much and they had to call it off.

After years of academic study, Kyle found that he actually hated being a lawyer. His clients were so stupid that he very quickly grew tired of representing them. He decided to give up his position as an Attorney, but continued to work for the firm as an Admin Assistant. Kyle actually really liked this job, and being a law firm Kyle had to be very careful, because anything he did that might damage the reputation of the firm would cost him his career. That's where Cartman comes in.

The previous summer, the gang decided to have a get together and go camping down at stark's pond like they used to when they were kids. They spent the whole weekend getting incredibly drunk and smoking marijuana, which for Kyle was a new experience. Since then, Kyle had not thought anything of it, however Cartman managed to get video evidence of Kyle smoking and drinking. And as you probably guessed, Cartman used this footage as blackmail.

If that footage got out, Kyle's life would be ruined, giving Cartman incredible power over him. Kyle is forced to comply with Cartman's wishes if he wants to continue working for the firm, which means paying his rent for him.

But it gets worse. See, Kyle couldn't afford to pay Cartman's rent as well as his own, it would have crippled him financially. Giving him no choice but to move in with Cartman. This is good news for Cartman of course, because it means he now has someone to do all the cooking, cleaning and shopping as well.

Stan visits Kyle and Cartman regularly, and he greatly disapproves of Cartman making Kyle a slave. Kyle has to remind him of a certain sister of his that threatens to beat him up if he doesn't look after her kids.

Ok, just two left, and I promise to keep them brief. Next up Kenny McCormick:

Kenny was a tricky one, because his main character trait is that he continuously dies and comes back to life. What kind of life can you really have if that's all that happens? His other defining characteristic is that he's poor, so I decided to use that as a starting point. I figured that Kenny probably deserves a bit of a break seeing as though he's died so many times. So what if Kenny got a chance? What if his family found the answer to all their problems?

If you've seen any of the Coon or Mysterion episodes, then you'll know that Kenny has a superhero alter-ego named Mysterion. When Kenny was still a kid, he recieved a huge reward for rescuing Barack Obama's Dog from being sacrificed by the Goth Kids. It enabled Kenny to turn his life around, and he evenatually goes on to be state congressman.

And finally Leopold "Butters" Stotch:

Butters never changes. Butters is such a lovable character because he's quirkey, he's caring, he's naive and he's oh so innocent. I like to think that he stays that way. But I also like to think that as he gets older, eveyone starts to appreciate Butters a lot more. People become more tolerant and understanding of his ways, so much so that Butters finally gets his very own show.

And that's it, that's my theory. Please let me know what you think, and if you wish to expand on the theory, that would be great too. I'll catch ya next time.


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